Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
