fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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