Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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