god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
