all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
