I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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