I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
