My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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