he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize