In the future we'll all be gay
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
