yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
