You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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