Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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