it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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