I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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