Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
