im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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