They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
