my vag is so smooth its legendary
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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