You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
