so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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