i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
