Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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