the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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