I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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