If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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