please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
