but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
