in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
