my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
