she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
