I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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