Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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