Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
