Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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