If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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