did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
