Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
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life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
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You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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