I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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