My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize