Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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