hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
