well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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