Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize