If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
well you can't waste a boner
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
