i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Vodka?
Forever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
