The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
