i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
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He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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