I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
