i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
