I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
