I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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