is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
