my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
